When Life Throws You Curveballs

That saying along with the one about life handing you a lemon and then you are suppose to make lemonade; none of which I fully understood.

I never understood how life can throw you a curve ball and what to do afterwards. And lemons...when faced with a lemon would I, could I, really make lemonade?

Unwillingly, I have to admit that I'm a person that relies on other people. I don't know where I learned this habit or culture from, but I rely on other's for approval. Not just anyone, but people in which I respect and I feel have great judgment. Having said that, I know that judgment is subject to one's own perception. Nonetheless, I feel that l have been thrown a few lemons/curveball and having them in my hands, I really don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to make lemonade. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and have been for many years, and I don't know how to get out.

I have been watching the TV show "The Walking Dead". It is about the world being overrun by zombies. A small group of survivors have found each other and are now travelling with each other to find refuge with the living, or what's left of the living society they once knew. I often think of myself in that situation. A situation where the world that I know has turned upside down and I have to rely on my own will to survive. As well as, if I have a family, I would have to have enough strength and will to survive for them as well.  What if there was a massive earthquake in the city or a massive Tsunami that engulfs the downtown core, what would I do? I cannot rely on anyone. There is absolutely no one around...I dont drive and the family has no car, how can I leave the city? Subway? No way! Walking? No way! Running away to higher ground? Not a chance. Would I chose to give up on life? Or keep running?

Unfortunately, I think I'll be the first to give up. To surrender; cop out and just saying to myself and others around me, "Ok, I can't keep running so I'm done". I mean my track record isn't so hot. I seem to be discouraged easily in relation to life and career advancement. I'm easily swayed by people who are not supportive and the result is I usually run away from those people. I think most personalities I've encountered are those that strive to prove others wrong. I believe that is the better way to go about challenges. To prove to others that, "You know what? I CAN do it. No matter what you perceive of me, I'll prove YOU wrong." My personality is often that when I sense someone trying to pressure me or accuse me of not putting my 100%,  in which I've been busting my butt, I tend to give up. I'll lose interest in the task and I just go find something else.

So, I'm left standing there, having been presented with lemons and looking at them as if I've never seen such things before. How do I make lemonade? How can I continuously make lemonade?

At 32, I have no answer at this point. 

Tenant Woes

My family's been a landlord for a long time. All I remember as a child growing up was how often I was told to be quiet. As a kid growing up, I never really cared much for the tenants, nor do I notice them much. As a young adult, they have become more and more apparent, with the continued translation process between them and my parents. Now, I have slowly transitioned into managing the "business". The tenants we had previously were amazing. My family and I loved them. They were very studious students who concentrated in their studies and hardly made any noise. Unfortunately, we just got ones this year and they are simply unbearable. Because of these tenants, they have altered my sleeping pattern and I am at their mercy. You see, they reside above me and we have an old house with lots of hardwood floors. So for those who understand houses, with the wood on old floors, it causes a lot of creaking sounds. Every footstep every conversation, it is heard. Even if a phone is set on vibrate on the desk, it can sound as if it was right next to me when it rings. Yes I have a horrible set up and a house the desperately needs a reno, but these tenants do not know how to be respectful of the noise they make. One tenant is a petite person, and yet when he/she walks, it sounds like a 200lb, overweight man. This tenant is very distinctive from the other one. I know which one is at home by the way they walk, and yet when I try to discern between their voices, it stumps me.

I'm at the point where I'm only getting an average of 7hrs every day because I have to wait until they settle down before I can sleep. Conveniently, my room is right above the kitchen; their hub. So I have to wait until they finish their dishes at 2am, or finish entertaining their guests with coffee and tea at 1am, before I am able to sleep. And it doesn't help me that I am a light sleeper and sensitive to sound and light. Ahh...life is so funny. For the past 3 months, I have developed a type of paranoia, or fear that if I try to sleep, someone from upstairs will go into the kitchen (the one with the lead feet) and wake me up. When I get woken up, my heart starts to race and become very angry because I'm worried that I won't be able to get back to sleep afterwards, plus I learned how important to have uninterrupted sleep.

The only break I get from these people is when they go home approx. bi-weekly for the weekend for 3 days and 4 nights. Other than that, I live with the fact that I am not to expect quality or quantity sleep. I have spoken to the one with the lead foot on one occasion when he/she woke me up at 1am. It wasn't a nice conversation, I tried to be nice, but it came out being very frustrated. And the stupid thing is, that they think that if they stop whatever they were doing for a couple of hours, then go back and finish what they've started doesn't wake us up again, is so immature. That's another thing, I don't like making assumptions that young people (under 20) do not have any respect for anyone, but these particular people have none. Either they have no respect for others, or just us. I don't know. All I know is that they will be with my family for another 6 months and this reality terrifies me.  I feel like my life is at a standstill because my work is at risk. I'm so tired most of the time and I'm afraid to take on a new job because my sleep is so unpredictable. In November, I've been sick 2 times every 2 weeks. I'm only beginning to get better. I honestly, believe that sleep has a part in my lowered immune system.

Someone told me, that you have to continue with what you normally do, can't let other people prevent you from going to work. Find solutions. And I will....it is a continuous process. And I become envious of people who can sleep whenever they want, and even when my friends talk about sleep...

Ok, lets now try to hit the hay.

My Definition of Love...at this point

I've realized that loving someone is not always so easy, nor is it always so loving...lol

Stupid People

You know I really don't understand stupid people.
I"ve come across a person this past week that is so stupid and ignorant and uneducated. Why do they think that they can get their way by pushing people around? This specific person for one, hides behind the computer an just spends her time typing long, harassing and threatening emails. This person thinks that by doing that they can get their way.
Now on the other end of receiving these emails, I was really stressed out and upset. But having spoken with close friends and relatives, I was actually able to scoff and giggle at this person's ridiculous and empty threats.
I know there must be some major insecurities in this dumb person. As well, as some major control freak issues. I wish I can upload at least one of her emails. ANYONE who reads it will sense the tone in the email and hear the hostility in it. And she thinks she can get her way? Ha.

In this entry. I just wanted to tell all those people who try to force their demands on others. There is a right way and wrong way to "ask".
Be polite!
Be professional!
Be respectful!

Remember, no matter what, if you are asking for something, you are the one that is persuading the other person to do you a favour. It is in the other person's right to fulfill it as they please. And if I were the other person, I'd analyze how nicely you asked for me to do it, in order for me to move my ass.

I still don't understand why people cannot just respect each other all around? If everyone were respectful to each other, things might be different. Besides you'd think that with all the things that are happening around the world, that people would have a better head on their shoulders. But instead people are just dumb. A waste of brain.

Not a Fighter!

I'm a wuss, a coward and sometimes even a scaredy-cat.
I don't if what I"m saying is actually what I want to describe. But I guess what I"m referring to is how i deal with my relationship with "the boy".

So he decides to tell me, the other day, that he expects to be in school for 4 more years~! I guess I kinda freaked out in my head a little. I just simply did not like that answer. I tell him that I cannot wait for him and kept saying that repeatedly. I mean on my end all these things came into play...ok well mainly... age. I dont want to get married looking tired and run-down, nor do I want to have children when I"m old and have a huge generation gap between me and my kids. That's what happened with me and i had a hard hard time growing up with parents who constantly don't know how to raise a child. When he told me that he wanted to continue school, I was like ok that 's good for you. But secretly I was afraid that it will be too long for me to wait and secretly I thought it was going to be 2 short years.
I hear people tell me that if u love that person it doesn't matter when you are together.

I dont know how to approach my next point, but I don't know if I want to marry this person. I am scared out of my mind when i think about being with him. I am deathly afraid that he will be cruel to me when we are under the same roof one day. I am deathly afraid of having children and me doing everything. I am deathly afraid that he will expect me to do things and for me to naturally rebel against it. And finally, I am deathly afraid that he wont be a good husband, where I can't trust him nor can I rely on him.

So on the flip side, if we were to break up, I'm not 100% sure that I will be able to find someone else. And for that time that I find someone, it may take up to 4 years anyway for things to go serious with the other person. In essence I"m right back to where I started.

Thus, it goes back to my subject to this post. My first instinct is to flee; run; jump ship. I dont want to be in this anymore because of everything that has happened. I don;t have the energy/capacity to keep fighting anymore. I'm scared of the future. I've been want to run for a long time, but i have no where to go and I find myself missing this person a lot. I find myself feeling a sense of loss..a hole. But I honesly dont know if this is love. If it is love, then it is not the love I thought I'd feel. I thought love was companionship, security, and trust.   I don't know if i have those in check. Either that, or I myself is too insecure to realize that it is in check. Maybe I"m the kind of person who needs someone to show me more of that. To have expression and to be serious.
If he's doing this 4 year school thing for the sake of our future, he is sure not expressing that to me. It just seems like he's doing this for himself and his future, but there was no mention of me in it. There are hints, but no concrete statements.

I am still a runner, coward and wuss...

Weddings, weddings and more weddings

Sheesh! EVERYONE is getting married!!!
Its the next wave. I had a bit of a break last year and half, but this year... BOOM. Literally, there is a boom in weddings. Grr...I hate when I feel like this, but I feel like getting married too! I found myself browsing through wedding dresses today. I was so tempted in buying one too! But I had to constantly remind myself that I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED. Sheesh!!! Help me. I mean if that is not bad enough, I even had a counter thought to that. I was thinking that I'll just get it now and if I ever get married I'll have a dress!!! Crazy me~!
Its funny because I'm not ready to be married. I just want to wear the dress and eat good food! I wanna go through the process of picking colour themes, bridesmaids and cake.
But afterwards, I have no interest in. LOL And most of all I don't the attention that a couple receives on that day.
I guess if you look at it closely all I really want is an extreme version of a prom.

~Sigh~

Customer Service

What I don't understand about today's service industry (esp. restaurants) is that they don't care about their customers. Day after day, time after time, I see people of all ages and ethnic backgrounds being rude to the people they serve. Why at this time of recession do people choose the only thing that keeps their customers coming? People don't buy stuff from you because your prices are so high that they feel like they want to empty their wallets on your establishment. They buy cause they have to, and they will choose ones with better service. Well, I do that. If I'm not satisfied with the service I'm receiving, I either leave immediately or just leave less tip. Yes, times are tough and they will get tougher. People like me are out there looking for places that stand out over others. Let this be a lesson to be learned. Everything is going up in prices, so if I am going to go out for a meal, I will choose the ones that show appreciation to their customers. I"m not asking for the royal treatment, but come on, just a decent "thanks" or "hi" or a smile will suffice. Is that too much to ask for?
I was with my significant other earlier today, and he was buying dinner at a Thai Express (I know, not fancy) but the girl at the register just looked at him waiting for his order, when she received it, she punched in the order and held out her hand wiggling her fingers, gesturing for the money. Kinda like the signal for "give it". I was appalled! Then on top of that she over charged him!! That was not a mistake because when he was waiting for his receipt I asked him what he ordered and she heard clearly what he told me and she double checked the receipt, but made no mention that she charged him for shrimp. That BIOTCH knew that she made a mistake and didn't tell him.
Ok, well anyway nonetheless that was only one of many situations that I had negative encounters with poor customer service. I wish store owners would realize the importance of customer service. And to train/hire their employees to draw customers in, and not to push them out the door. I will only go to places that know how to retain their customers via excellent customer service, and have good food. I hope those of you reading this will also be more wise in choosing a place to eat, drink or purchase clothing. For my last example and rant,  I have not supported Forever 21 ever since I had an employee speak to me in a very rude manner about 2 years ago. You all must be thinking, "Ok, what do you expect, they are all considered lower places to eat and shop." But I guess I always think that no matter what you do, whether you are a water specialist or a CEO of a major company, there is always room to treat people with respect and have manners when interacting with them.