Life as I know it, thus far

Wow...it has been while since I wrote. A lot of things has happened to me this year. 2013 will be known as a year of stupidity, change, change and stupidity.
This year started out with some body related issues a broken heart and a phoenix rising out of the ashes. I went through a lot of pain in Feb-May and from it I decided to change and evolve into someone else. I lost 30 lbs so far from the beginning of the year until now. I was able to change my job, to a place that is more stable and pays more. My energy changed, as well as a little of my mindset. I'm actually beginning to love myself...but not enough to go back doing something so stupid.

I don't understand myself. I don't understand why I have so little respect for myself that I would do what I'm doing right now. I'm being very vague, but that is because I am even too ashamed to type it out on the web. I don't understand how I could still have feelings for my ex after everything he has done for me? And where do I think I can go with this person? NO WHERE, that's where. He will never commit to me. He will never love me the way I want to be loved. He will never choose me as his #1. He is emotionally unstable. He is controlled by his emotions (the little he expresses). He is immature and a little boy. He is selfish, a liar and a cheater. But I also see his softer side, his little boy side and feel the need to scoop him up and help him to get out of his situation.

I certainly think I am crazy though.
 
Can somebody explain to me why I am so stupid. I ask myself the question, "is this love?" I CAN"T BE. It just can't. I envision a man who can take care of me (not the other way around). I see someone who is caring and loving, and who only wants to be with me.

Because, get this, he has a girlfriend. One whom he doesn't see a future with and complains about but yet is still with because he is afraid of being alone. He is going to use her to go on a Montreal trip for the long weekend and who knows what he will do after. Anyway...I need help and I need to reason things out in my mind ASAP!


To be continued...