Not a Fighter!

I'm a wuss, a coward and sometimes even a scaredy-cat.
I don't if what I"m saying is actually what I want to describe. But I guess what I"m referring to is how i deal with my relationship with "the boy".

So he decides to tell me, the other day, that he expects to be in school for 4 more years~! I guess I kinda freaked out in my head a little. I just simply did not like that answer. I tell him that I cannot wait for him and kept saying that repeatedly. I mean on my end all these things came into play...ok well mainly... age. I dont want to get married looking tired and run-down, nor do I want to have children when I"m old and have a huge generation gap between me and my kids. That's what happened with me and i had a hard hard time growing up with parents who constantly don't know how to raise a child. When he told me that he wanted to continue school, I was like ok that 's good for you. But secretly I was afraid that it will be too long for me to wait and secretly I thought it was going to be 2 short years.
I hear people tell me that if u love that person it doesn't matter when you are together.

I dont know how to approach my next point, but I don't know if I want to marry this person. I am scared out of my mind when i think about being with him. I am deathly afraid that he will be cruel to me when we are under the same roof one day. I am deathly afraid of having children and me doing everything. I am deathly afraid that he will expect me to do things and for me to naturally rebel against it. And finally, I am deathly afraid that he wont be a good husband, where I can't trust him nor can I rely on him.

So on the flip side, if we were to break up, I'm not 100% sure that I will be able to find someone else. And for that time that I find someone, it may take up to 4 years anyway for things to go serious with the other person. In essence I"m right back to where I started.

Thus, it goes back to my subject to this post. My first instinct is to flee; run; jump ship. I dont want to be in this anymore because of everything that has happened. I don;t have the energy/capacity to keep fighting anymore. I'm scared of the future. I've been want to run for a long time, but i have no where to go and I find myself missing this person a lot. I find myself feeling a sense of loss..a hole. But I honesly dont know if this is love. If it is love, then it is not the love I thought I'd feel. I thought love was companionship, security, and trust.   I don't know if i have those in check. Either that, or I myself is too insecure to realize that it is in check. Maybe I"m the kind of person who needs someone to show me more of that. To have expression and to be serious.
If he's doing this 4 year school thing for the sake of our future, he is sure not expressing that to me. It just seems like he's doing this for himself and his future, but there was no mention of me in it. There are hints, but no concrete statements.

I am still a runner, coward and wuss...