Life as I know it, thus far

Wow...it has been while since I wrote. A lot of things has happened to me this year. 2013 will be known as a year of stupidity, change, change and stupidity.
This year started out with some body related issues a broken heart and a phoenix rising out of the ashes. I went through a lot of pain in Feb-May and from it I decided to change and evolve into someone else. I lost 30 lbs so far from the beginning of the year until now. I was able to change my job, to a place that is more stable and pays more. My energy changed, as well as a little of my mindset. I'm actually beginning to love myself...but not enough to go back doing something so stupid.

I don't understand myself. I don't understand why I have so little respect for myself that I would do what I'm doing right now. I'm being very vague, but that is because I am even too ashamed to type it out on the web. I don't understand how I could still have feelings for my ex after everything he has done for me? And where do I think I can go with this person? NO WHERE, that's where. He will never commit to me. He will never love me the way I want to be loved. He will never choose me as his #1. He is emotionally unstable. He is controlled by his emotions (the little he expresses). He is immature and a little boy. He is selfish, a liar and a cheater. But I also see his softer side, his little boy side and feel the need to scoop him up and help him to get out of his situation.

I certainly think I am crazy though.
 
Can somebody explain to me why I am so stupid. I ask myself the question, "is this love?" I CAN"T BE. It just can't. I envision a man who can take care of me (not the other way around). I see someone who is caring and loving, and who only wants to be with me.

Because, get this, he has a girlfriend. One whom he doesn't see a future with and complains about but yet is still with because he is afraid of being alone. He is going to use her to go on a Montreal trip for the long weekend and who knows what he will do after. Anyway...I need help and I need to reason things out in my mind ASAP!


To be continued...

People

Have you ever looked around and while you may have this friend or that friend, you feel that are the most loneliest person?

It has been a long time since I've felt like this. The last time I remember feeling this lonely was about 10-12 years ago. And the time since then, I told myself that I will surround myself with people (that I like) from all walks of life. I've tried to make friends everywhere I go. Some have come and gone and some have stuck around. But the longer I lived the less friend's I've kept in contact with. One reason is that life happens, and you just loose contact with one another. But another reason is that I'm loosing that effort into meeting people; socializing. I think it's almost like I'm tired of starting over, I'm tired of getting to know someone from scratch. I sometimes wish that people just get each other. Or I feel like that for me. I just sometimes want people to get me and that is that. If they get me then they can decide if they want to be my friend for X amount of years; and vice versa.

So going back to my original reason why I'm writing. Lately, I've been looking around at my friends and I can't find one that I can talk to. I don't mean to offend anyone, but its true. Perhaps its my fault for not showing interest in keeping in touch. Perhaps, its my attitude lately, or perhaps I just make the wrong friends. I don't know. But what I do know is that I feel like I have nothing holding me here. I"m not tied down. Right now, most of my friends whom I call "close" is attached with partners and would rather hang out with each other in pairs. Since I"m the only one without anyone, no one wants to spend time with me. Three's a crowd, as the saying goes.

I find it very interesting, I"m a person who fears/hates being alone most, with being an only child growing up and feeling lonely as a child. But as an adult to have periods in my life where I go through such deep feelings of loneliness, is so ironic and parallel.  I mean it feels like someone is playing a joke on me. "Hahaha, she doesn't like to be lonely? Well, lets make her into a nice person for a little while, until she makes enough friends, then have her turn into an OCD, negative Bitch and make all her friends go away the next period." 

I always looked at myself as a simple person. Someone who just wants to be special in someone else's life. Whether it is a friend, boyfriend, cousin...whatever. I mean I don't need a lot of friends. I just need one or two who value my friendship. Someone who cares about my life. Someone who understands the way I work and supports my emotional roller coasters. Someone who can take the good with the bad. And everything I've said I am able to do for someone else, so long as they don't get hurt when I speak my mind, Yes, perhaps I can learn how to speak without raising my voice. That's something I can work on. But I feel that if someone is able to value my friendship, my quirks, and support my negativity (possibly trying to help me be more positive), I'd really appreciate it and I will return the favour!

Another concern I have is that I"m my father's daughter. He doesn't have friends. And if he does, he always has something bad to say about everyone. His niece and nephew, his sister-in-law's in-laws, his brother (which he has no contact with anymore)  me, his wife. 

Will I find my place here on earth? Or will I always be a wanderer?

My Hero

When I was a little girl I've always wanted a handsome knight and shining armour, riding on a white horse to come and save me. This hero would arrive at the perfect time and whisk me away from whatever danger I got myself into.

As I became older I still wanted that same handsome knight and shining armour riding on a white horse, but along with him, a personality, riches and a personal chef.  He had to be nice, caring and wanted children. Essentially, my hero had to be perfect and husband-worthy.

When I got to my late twenties, I still wanted a hero to come and save me from my current situation. But no longer does he have to be handsome, nor a knight riding on a white horse. The height, wealth, talent would all be a bonus. But the personality is a must. I was waiting for that person.

Men come and go. None have possessed in full capacity everything that I had wanted as a little girl. Perhaps, what I wanted as a little girl can never exist. Or even as a young child I never really liked this world I was born into and sensed that I didn't belong. Or, its just that I never knew what a hero really is.

A hero can simply be someone who has the heart to care enough to give you sound advice. They may not be able to physically save you, but instead to help you get back on the right track again, whether it is emotional, financial or social. 

We, esp. myself, need to take responsibility for our actions. If we are stuck in a rut, can't wait for someone to come save us. It may be someone who passes by and yells "GET UP". It is up to us to listen and do it. Let's not wait for that knight and shining armour riding on that white horse. That knight might never show up. 

Thank you Hero.

Rain

Finally a good pouring of rain;

To wash away the sin and sorrow;

Giving the earth a refreshing drink after a long drought

Making things anew

A new start.

How refreshing.

When Life Throws You Curveballs

That saying along with the one about life handing you a lemon and then you are suppose to make lemonade; none of which I fully understood.

I never understood how life can throw you a curve ball and what to do afterwards. And lemons...when faced with a lemon would I, could I, really make lemonade?

Unwillingly, I have to admit that I'm a person that relies on other people. I don't know where I learned this habit or culture from, but I rely on other's for approval. Not just anyone, but people in which I respect and I feel have great judgment. Having said that, I know that judgment is subject to one's own perception. Nonetheless, I feel that l have been thrown a few lemons/curveball and having them in my hands, I really don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to make lemonade. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and have been for many years, and I don't know how to get out.

I have been watching the TV show "The Walking Dead". It is about the world being overrun by zombies. A small group of survivors have found each other and are now travelling with each other to find refuge with the living, or what's left of the living society they once knew. I often think of myself in that situation. A situation where the world that I know has turned upside down and I have to rely on my own will to survive. As well as, if I have a family, I would have to have enough strength and will to survive for them as well.  What if there was a massive earthquake in the city or a massive Tsunami that engulfs the downtown core, what would I do? I cannot rely on anyone. There is absolutely no one around...I dont drive and the family has no car, how can I leave the city? Subway? No way! Walking? No way! Running away to higher ground? Not a chance. Would I chose to give up on life? Or keep running?

Unfortunately, I think I'll be the first to give up. To surrender; cop out and just saying to myself and others around me, "Ok, I can't keep running so I'm done". I mean my track record isn't so hot. I seem to be discouraged easily in relation to life and career advancement. I'm easily swayed by people who are not supportive and the result is I usually run away from those people. I think most personalities I've encountered are those that strive to prove others wrong. I believe that is the better way to go about challenges. To prove to others that, "You know what? I CAN do it. No matter what you perceive of me, I'll prove YOU wrong." My personality is often that when I sense someone trying to pressure me or accuse me of not putting my 100%,  in which I've been busting my butt, I tend to give up. I'll lose interest in the task and I just go find something else.

So, I'm left standing there, having been presented with lemons and looking at them as if I've never seen such things before. How do I make lemonade? How can I continuously make lemonade?

At 32, I have no answer at this point. 

Tenant Woes

My family's been a landlord for a long time. All I remember as a child growing up was how often I was told to be quiet. As a kid growing up, I never really cared much for the tenants, nor do I notice them much. As a young adult, they have become more and more apparent, with the continued translation process between them and my parents. Now, I have slowly transitioned into managing the "business". The tenants we had previously were amazing. My family and I loved them. They were very studious students who concentrated in their studies and hardly made any noise. Unfortunately, we just got ones this year and they are simply unbearable. Because of these tenants, they have altered my sleeping pattern and I am at their mercy. You see, they reside above me and we have an old house with lots of hardwood floors. So for those who understand houses, with the wood on old floors, it causes a lot of creaking sounds. Every footstep every conversation, it is heard. Even if a phone is set on vibrate on the desk, it can sound as if it was right next to me when it rings. Yes I have a horrible set up and a house the desperately needs a reno, but these tenants do not know how to be respectful of the noise they make. One tenant is a petite person, and yet when he/she walks, it sounds like a 200lb, overweight man. This tenant is very distinctive from the other one. I know which one is at home by the way they walk, and yet when I try to discern between their voices, it stumps me.

I'm at the point where I'm only getting an average of 7hrs every day because I have to wait until they settle down before I can sleep. Conveniently, my room is right above the kitchen; their hub. So I have to wait until they finish their dishes at 2am, or finish entertaining their guests with coffee and tea at 1am, before I am able to sleep. And it doesn't help me that I am a light sleeper and sensitive to sound and light. Ahh...life is so funny. For the past 3 months, I have developed a type of paranoia, or fear that if I try to sleep, someone from upstairs will go into the kitchen (the one with the lead feet) and wake me up. When I get woken up, my heart starts to race and become very angry because I'm worried that I won't be able to get back to sleep afterwards, plus I learned how important to have uninterrupted sleep.

The only break I get from these people is when they go home approx. bi-weekly for the weekend for 3 days and 4 nights. Other than that, I live with the fact that I am not to expect quality or quantity sleep. I have spoken to the one with the lead foot on one occasion when he/she woke me up at 1am. It wasn't a nice conversation, I tried to be nice, but it came out being very frustrated. And the stupid thing is, that they think that if they stop whatever they were doing for a couple of hours, then go back and finish what they've started doesn't wake us up again, is so immature. That's another thing, I don't like making assumptions that young people (under 20) do not have any respect for anyone, but these particular people have none. Either they have no respect for others, or just us. I don't know. All I know is that they will be with my family for another 6 months and this reality terrifies me.  I feel like my life is at a standstill because my work is at risk. I'm so tired most of the time and I'm afraid to take on a new job because my sleep is so unpredictable. In November, I've been sick 2 times every 2 weeks. I'm only beginning to get better. I honestly, believe that sleep has a part in my lowered immune system.

Someone told me, that you have to continue with what you normally do, can't let other people prevent you from going to work. Find solutions. And I will....it is a continuous process. And I become envious of people who can sleep whenever they want, and even when my friends talk about sleep...

Ok, lets now try to hit the hay.

My Definition of Love...at this point

I've realized that loving someone is not always so easy, nor is it always so loving...lol