It has been a long time since I've felt like this. The last time I remember feeling this lonely was about 10-12 years ago. And the time since then, I told myself that I will surround myself with people (that I like) from all walks of life. I've tried to make friends everywhere I go. Some have come and gone and some have stuck around. But the longer I lived the less friend's I've kept in contact with. One reason is that life happens, and you just loose contact with one another. But another reason is that I'm loosing that effort into meeting people; socializing. I think it's almost like I'm tired of starting over, I'm tired of getting to know someone from scratch. I sometimes wish that people just get each other. Or I feel like that for me. I just sometimes want people to get me and that is that. If they get me then they can decide if they want to be my friend for X amount of years; and vice versa.
So going back to my original reason why I'm writing. Lately, I've been looking around at my friends and I can't find one that I can talk to. I don't mean to offend anyone, but its true. Perhaps its my fault for not showing interest in keeping in touch. Perhaps, its my attitude lately, or perhaps I just make the wrong friends. I don't know. But what I do know is that I feel like I have nothing holding me here. I"m not tied down. Right now, most of my friends whom I call "close" is attached with partners and would rather hang out with each other in pairs. Since I"m the only one without anyone, no one wants to spend time with me. Three's a crowd, as the saying goes.
I find it very interesting, I"m a person who fears/hates being alone most, with being an only child growing up and feeling lonely as a child. But as an adult to have periods in my life where I go through such deep feelings of loneliness, is so ironic and parallel. I mean it feels like someone is playing a joke on me. "Hahaha, she doesn't like to be lonely? Well, lets make her into a nice person for a little while, until she makes enough friends, then have her turn into an OCD, negative Bitch and make all her friends go away the next period."
I always looked at myself as a simple person. Someone who just wants to be special in someone else's life. Whether it is a friend, boyfriend, cousin...whatever. I mean I don't need a lot of friends. I just need one or two who value my friendship. Someone who cares about my life. Someone who understands the way I work and supports my emotional roller coasters. Someone who can take the good with the bad. And everything I've said I am able to do for someone else, so long as they don't get hurt when I speak my mind, Yes, perhaps I can learn how to speak without raising my voice. That's something I can work on. But I feel that if someone is able to value my friendship, my quirks, and support my negativity (possibly trying to help me be more positive), I'd really appreciate it and I will return the favour!
Another concern I have is that I"m my father's daughter. He doesn't have friends. And if he does, he always has something bad to say about everyone. His niece and nephew, his sister-in-law's in-laws, his brother (which he has no contact with anymore) me, his wife.
Will I find my place here on earth? Or will I always be a wanderer?
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