People

Have you ever looked around and while you may have this friend or that friend, you feel that are the most loneliest person?

It has been a long time since I've felt like this. The last time I remember feeling this lonely was about 10-12 years ago. And the time since then, I told myself that I will surround myself with people (that I like) from all walks of life. I've tried to make friends everywhere I go. Some have come and gone and some have stuck around. But the longer I lived the less friend's I've kept in contact with. One reason is that life happens, and you just loose contact with one another. But another reason is that I'm loosing that effort into meeting people; socializing. I think it's almost like I'm tired of starting over, I'm tired of getting to know someone from scratch. I sometimes wish that people just get each other. Or I feel like that for me. I just sometimes want people to get me and that is that. If they get me then they can decide if they want to be my friend for X amount of years; and vice versa.

So going back to my original reason why I'm writing. Lately, I've been looking around at my friends and I can't find one that I can talk to. I don't mean to offend anyone, but its true. Perhaps its my fault for not showing interest in keeping in touch. Perhaps, its my attitude lately, or perhaps I just make the wrong friends. I don't know. But what I do know is that I feel like I have nothing holding me here. I"m not tied down. Right now, most of my friends whom I call "close" is attached with partners and would rather hang out with each other in pairs. Since I"m the only one without anyone, no one wants to spend time with me. Three's a crowd, as the saying goes.

I find it very interesting, I"m a person who fears/hates being alone most, with being an only child growing up and feeling lonely as a child. But as an adult to have periods in my life where I go through such deep feelings of loneliness, is so ironic and parallel.  I mean it feels like someone is playing a joke on me. "Hahaha, she doesn't like to be lonely? Well, lets make her into a nice person for a little while, until she makes enough friends, then have her turn into an OCD, negative Bitch and make all her friends go away the next period." 

I always looked at myself as a simple person. Someone who just wants to be special in someone else's life. Whether it is a friend, boyfriend, cousin...whatever. I mean I don't need a lot of friends. I just need one or two who value my friendship. Someone who cares about my life. Someone who understands the way I work and supports my emotional roller coasters. Someone who can take the good with the bad. And everything I've said I am able to do for someone else, so long as they don't get hurt when I speak my mind, Yes, perhaps I can learn how to speak without raising my voice. That's something I can work on. But I feel that if someone is able to value my friendship, my quirks, and support my negativity (possibly trying to help me be more positive), I'd really appreciate it and I will return the favour!

Another concern I have is that I"m my father's daughter. He doesn't have friends. And if he does, he always has something bad to say about everyone. His niece and nephew, his sister-in-law's in-laws, his brother (which he has no contact with anymore)  me, his wife. 

Will I find my place here on earth? Or will I always be a wanderer?

My Hero

When I was a little girl I've always wanted a handsome knight and shining armour, riding on a white horse to come and save me. This hero would arrive at the perfect time and whisk me away from whatever danger I got myself into.

As I became older I still wanted that same handsome knight and shining armour riding on a white horse, but along with him, a personality, riches and a personal chef.  He had to be nice, caring and wanted children. Essentially, my hero had to be perfect and husband-worthy.

When I got to my late twenties, I still wanted a hero to come and save me from my current situation. But no longer does he have to be handsome, nor a knight riding on a white horse. The height, wealth, talent would all be a bonus. But the personality is a must. I was waiting for that person.

Men come and go. None have possessed in full capacity everything that I had wanted as a little girl. Perhaps, what I wanted as a little girl can never exist. Or even as a young child I never really liked this world I was born into and sensed that I didn't belong. Or, its just that I never knew what a hero really is.

A hero can simply be someone who has the heart to care enough to give you sound advice. They may not be able to physically save you, but instead to help you get back on the right track again, whether it is emotional, financial or social. 

We, esp. myself, need to take responsibility for our actions. If we are stuck in a rut, can't wait for someone to come save us. It may be someone who passes by and yells "GET UP". It is up to us to listen and do it. Let's not wait for that knight and shining armour riding on that white horse. That knight might never show up. 

Thank you Hero.

Rain

Finally a good pouring of rain;

To wash away the sin and sorrow;

Giving the earth a refreshing drink after a long drought

Making things anew

A new start.

How refreshing.

When Life Throws You Curveballs

That saying along with the one about life handing you a lemon and then you are suppose to make lemonade; none of which I fully understood.

I never understood how life can throw you a curve ball and what to do afterwards. And lemons...when faced with a lemon would I, could I, really make lemonade?

Unwillingly, I have to admit that I'm a person that relies on other people. I don't know where I learned this habit or culture from, but I rely on other's for approval. Not just anyone, but people in which I respect and I feel have great judgment. Having said that, I know that judgment is subject to one's own perception. Nonetheless, I feel that l have been thrown a few lemons/curveball and having them in my hands, I really don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to make lemonade. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and have been for many years, and I don't know how to get out.

I have been watching the TV show "The Walking Dead". It is about the world being overrun by zombies. A small group of survivors have found each other and are now travelling with each other to find refuge with the living, or what's left of the living society they once knew. I often think of myself in that situation. A situation where the world that I know has turned upside down and I have to rely on my own will to survive. As well as, if I have a family, I would have to have enough strength and will to survive for them as well.  What if there was a massive earthquake in the city or a massive Tsunami that engulfs the downtown core, what would I do? I cannot rely on anyone. There is absolutely no one around...I dont drive and the family has no car, how can I leave the city? Subway? No way! Walking? No way! Running away to higher ground? Not a chance. Would I chose to give up on life? Or keep running?

Unfortunately, I think I'll be the first to give up. To surrender; cop out and just saying to myself and others around me, "Ok, I can't keep running so I'm done". I mean my track record isn't so hot. I seem to be discouraged easily in relation to life and career advancement. I'm easily swayed by people who are not supportive and the result is I usually run away from those people. I think most personalities I've encountered are those that strive to prove others wrong. I believe that is the better way to go about challenges. To prove to others that, "You know what? I CAN do it. No matter what you perceive of me, I'll prove YOU wrong." My personality is often that when I sense someone trying to pressure me or accuse me of not putting my 100%,  in which I've been busting my butt, I tend to give up. I'll lose interest in the task and I just go find something else.

So, I'm left standing there, having been presented with lemons and looking at them as if I've never seen such things before. How do I make lemonade? How can I continuously make lemonade?

At 32, I have no answer at this point.